What Is Soul?

I’m four cycles into this now. I’d be lying if I said I’m having fun, but that’s the point, I guess. I was told to expect this. And, by all indications, I’m kicking ass. I’m back at my normal weight (and then some, unfortunately), my blood counts have been solid for the past several weeks, and now I’ve got some time off work so I can just focus on my health and feeling as good as I can for the next two months.

56 days and counting down. Each day that passes makes me feel stronger, even if I’m doubled over with stomach pain. Like I’ve told several people, I was never worried about dying in the first place, but now it seems fairly certain that I’m past all that. In all likelihood, the disease is already eradicated from my body. Chemo has gotten tough and will continue to get tougher right up until I’m done, but it won’t kill me, so, if anything, I’m actually interested to see how bad it gets, if that makes any sense.

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I’m not religious at all. I consider myself deeply spiritual, but I hate organized religion and I don’t subscribe to the conventional idea of a God. I like to think I’m finding my way along my own path toward spiritual enlightenment. Along the way, I’m guided by things like a rough notion of karma and a belief that everything happens for a reason. Cancer and chemotherapy will certainly change one’s perspective; it’s like before I was staring at my feet as I strayed down that road. Now I’m surveying the entire landscape.

As a result, I’m starting to read more between the lines of things I was taught as kid being raised in the Catholic Church. The best example I can think of is the story of Job. He’s the man from the Old Testament who had all his wealth and family taken from him by God as a test of his faith. The story is famous for the end when, broke, lonely, and destitute, Job proclaims, “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”

I remember studying this story in college and thinking, Bullshit. Now I think I was taking too shallow of an approach in my interpretation. The Church wants you to think the story is about faith, but I think it’s more a story about perseverance.

A couple weeks ago, my grandpa asked me how my experience has affected my thoughts on religion. As I told him, the truth is that this whole thing has done nothing to move me closer to any church, but it has enhanced my spiritual curiosities. I’ve always believed that there is a higher power at work, but I also believe that that power isn’t concerned with us the way the “just and loving” Christian God is portrayed as being. It sets things in motion, and that’s why things happen for a reason, but the ultimate results are largely up to us.

I look at what happened to me this past year. On some levels, I feel I can relate to Job in his story. Starting almost a year ago exactly, things which had meant a great deal to me were removed from life. It wasn’t merely that I loved these things; these were things that made me who I was. They were integral parts in a life I loved. One-by-one I lost them, until I finally lost my health and my body as I’d known it.

I couldn’t see it then, but I was also given a few things which could help me find my way out of this period and build a new life. It was like something or someone was saying, “OK, this is what you’re left with. Now what are you going to do?” As some of you know, I almost gave in toward the end of last year. The weight of the things I’d lost and the knowledge that some of it was my fault felt like too much to carry.

This is where I’m supposed to tell you about the inspiring rally cry I heard, and how that was the turning point. I don’t have one of those to share, but I’m still here. And since I am here and can still remember vividly the things I had and lost, now I’m pissed. Most of them are things that can’t be reclaimed, but I can reclaim my life and rebuild it with things that give me the same kind of joy and satisfaction. I’m still unsure of exactly how I’ll do that, but now I know that I can.

I told someone recently that one of the worst side effects of chemotherapy is all the cliché and corny things you find yourself buying into and preaching. Another awful side effect is the one it has on a person’s ego. I don’t think I’ve seen mine for six months, maybe more. Now it’s waking up. So forgive me if I start to sound arrogant, but I’m 2/3 of the way to beating cancer and surviving chemotherapy. It’s nice to believe in my own strength and potential again, even if it’s only for a few minutes.